Tag: joke

‘Where there’s a will – there’s a relative!’

Ricky Gervais

Do you know the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.79 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

‘I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.’ – Richard Lewis

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

Don’t let an extra chromosome get you down!

My wife and i were happy for twenty years; then we met..

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

Say what you want about deaf people..

The first time I got a universal remote control, i thought to myself “This changes everything”.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when i got home, all the signs were there.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

People say i’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Batman zijn identiteit ligt op straat, dankzij wikileaks weet iedereen nu dat Batman door het echte leven gaat als Bruce Wayne.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady. He says to her “Boy you have a big butt…she goes…why you *peep* and starts smacking him around. He goes in the mens room, fixes him self up, combs/fixes his hair, straightens out his glasses etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.

He says to her “Boy you got small boobs..”. She says do i really!? He says “Yeah and i know how you can make them bigger”. She says “How!?” He says you go into the ladies room, take your bra and shirt off.. take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs.. She says oh my god.. do you think that will really work for me? He says why wouldn’t it.. it worked on your big butt didn’t it…

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.