An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in.
The old woman stops him and says, “before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina.” The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly boobs
An alcoholic and his wife attend his company party. He drinks so much that he doesn’t rememeber anything about the party the next morning. The wife says: “Well, you did it this time.” He replied: “What do you mean?”
She said: “You made an ass out of yourself in front of your boss.”
“Piss on him!”, he retorted.
“You did, and he fired you”, she slammed back.
“Well fuck him then!”, he replied.
Calmly, she replied, “I did. You go back to work on Monday.”
An American man comes to a weaponshop and asks: “Hi..I’d like to buy a big gun to shoot some cans. What can you advise?”
The guy at the counter replies: “What kind of cans, beer cans, coke cans, soup cans?”
Then the man answers: “none of those, I’m going to shoot MexiCans, DominiCans, Puerto RiCans!”
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About 15 students raise their hand. “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands.”That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says: “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?” Ahmed replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”
Woman asks Confucious: “If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man How come?”
“It’s very simple”, Confucious says. “When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock. But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key”.
An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring, calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy”.
She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”.
Cyanide and Happiness comic #2336
