Wife by text to husband at work: “Windows at home frozen – what will I do?” Husband : “Spray some de-icer, if that doesn’t work pour on hot water!” Wife a few minutes later: “Done that, now computer won’t work at all”.

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a Kiss?”

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

When I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk: “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?”
To which she replied: “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard!”

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

In een cadillac showroom ergens in New York vraagt een man aan de verkoper: “how much do you want for that red cadillac?” De verkoper geeft beleefd antwoord en zegt: “10 dollars”.
Zo de koper was erg verbaasd over de lage prijs en vraagt meteen: “if I buy two cars, what is your price?” De verkoper antwoordt wederom 10 dollars. Dus de koper wil toch graag weten, hoe het kan dat die auto’s zo goedkoop zijn, waarop de verkoper zegt: ”Oh that’s easy. you see my boss upstairs is fucking my wife and me downstairs is fucking his business.”

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady. He says to her “Boy you have a big butt…she goes…why you *peep* and starts smacking him around. He goes in the mens room, fixes him self up, combs/fixes his hair, straightens out his glasses etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.

He says to her “Boy you got small boobs..”. She says do i really!? He says “Yeah and i know how you can make them bigger”. She says “How!?” He says you go into the ladies room, take your bra and shirt off.. take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs.. She says oh my god.. do you think that will really work for me? He says why wouldn’t it.. it worked on your big butt didn’t it…

Learn to speak Chinese:
1) That’s not right ………………….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…………. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ……………………… Dum ***
5) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ………… Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table …….. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ……….. Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s very dark in here …………….. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ……….. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ……………. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week … Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ……………. Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile ………. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ……….. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ……………………………. Fa Kin Su Pah

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in.

The old woman stops him and says, “before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina.” The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly boobs